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I'm baaaaack.
I have been using tumblr, somewhat easier as I can post from an app. However, it's not as interesting! I have deleted some of my old posts. There is reasons behind that but who really cares?! Not me!

Zoe Susanne.

Whilst being a mother is the most important thing I am, what I am first, last and in between, it is not all I am.

• Aries
• I am petrified of ants; the little black ones. Along with the bath plug being pulled. That makes my body heat up and my neck hurt.
  
• I have 9 siblings- 5 sisters + 4 brothers. Mostly half siblings but I don't feel any different to them than my full blood siblings. Two are younger than Ava!
  
• I want the Lenny Kravitz song 'flowers for Zoe' played at my funeral.
• I am in my first year studying psychology. I've never learnt more about myself than I have in this class.
  
• I hate girls that say they can not live without a guy. Yes you can.
• Motherhood was something I always said I never wanted to experience. In fact I was saying so earlier on the day when I found out I was expecting. It is now something I honestly think was meant to happen at that stage in my life.
• Ava was born 2 days before my 19th birthday. That seems like such a young age now. I still wouldn't change it for all the nights out in the world.
  
• I am currently obsessed with white tim tams.
  
• I love the feeling of going to the gym even though I eat like a little kid getting excited over the junk food at a party.
• Meat and dairy don't quite tickle my fancy.. with some exceptions.
• Drugs do not make you look cool. It will completely alter my opinion of you, especially if I see you doing them.
• My mum was a young mum. She is without a doubt the most amazing mother though and each and every one of us has the utter most respect and love for her.
  
• I secretly love farmville ahahahaha.
• I love trashy reality shows like big brother, and celeb dating ones ie: a shot at love, rock of love.
  
• Lily Allen & Ruby Rose <3
• Oh what a night and I don't love you, are two songs that always make me happy.
• I love reading.
• Winter is wonderful.
• My favourite animal is a cow.
• I am so clever that I managed to name Ava after myself, her father, my nan, my mum and my dad!
• A psychic told me I will have twins. We'll wait and see.
• I am stubborn.
• Have my rsa which has always just sat in my drawer.
• I also have a cert 4 in disability work. The most incredible lessons were learnt doing this with even better people. I miss the artsync kids.
• I have a sister my age who is also named Zoe.
• I miss dippin dots.
• I only like the beach at night.
• On escalaters I have to let 3 steps pass before I get on.
• I love the wii. Unlike my ps3 I actually use the wii.
• My name means life. My middle name is after my nan.
• pink black grey
• I used to be really embarrassed about the mole on my knee when I was little.
• I never share my opinion on religion.
  
• My baby bonus didn't get touched for a year.
• My walls are up. I try to give everyone my trust and the best of me until they ruin that but bit by bit people are ruining that.
• I am currently the happiest I have ever been in life.
• I'm good with remembering birthdays..even without facebook
• I'm deaf in my right ear. I didn't even know until august 08.
• LOVE coke. Didn't at all until Ava was born. Same with peas and tomatoes.
• It takes a lot to insult me.
• My balcony is rad.
• My top eyelashes are an inch long.

• I believe everything happens for a reason

And that's me.

Just us two.

I left Ava's father, Travis when I was 19 weeks pregnant. I often look back and think maybe I was too quick to give up. Then I think maybe I took too long.
Over the last few years I have had more than my fair share of dirty looks and rude comments about being a single mother. One lady even said to my Mum that she should make me go back to him. At first this sort of behaviour upset me deeply, along with seeing the families with both the mum & dad however I now realise I make a far better parent on my own than I ever would have with him.
Heck, half the time I do a better job than the ones judging.
Ava is always clean and well fed. She is healthy and ridiculously happy. She has such an outgoing personality with amazing manners. There is nothing more accomplishing than looking at her and thinking 'wow this is all credit to me'.
I have not seen Travis since the day I left late November 06 and recently spoke to him for the first time in 2 years. He was and still is a horrid person. I often wonder what on earth made me ever think he'd be a good father. He was a lousy father to his first daughter. I was too young and naive to realise.
Quite frankly I believe Ava is better off without him and would rather she never knew of him. However I do not ever want my baby girl who I've cared for and nourished into the beautiful little girl she is to one day be a grown woman and resent me, blaming me for her father never being around. At first I tried so hard to force Ava on to him... 'till I realised it shouldn't be that way. He should be the one trying hard to have a relationship with her. So I gave up. Hence why it has been 2 years since we've spoken.
In this time Travis took to raising someone elses daughter. I cannot begin to explain how frustrating it is that the same man who cannot afford to support his own flesh and blood yet can support someone elses is. The fact he had moved on and/or she had a child did and still doesn't bother me in the slightest. It's the idea of take care of your own first.
Then I hear from his first daughters mother what that little girl has to endure and again I look at Ava and hope that one day she'll say "Mum, I understand why you did all you did and thank you".
I have spoken to soooo many people that are the Ava's in their family and ask their opinion.
I have came to the conclusion I will show her photos and say "Yes thats your daddy". I will never talk to her about how much of a manipulative arse wipe I think him to be, nor will I try and force my opinion of him on to her. Age appropriately I will tell her what I feel she should know.
I have opened up the door for him to begin a relationship with her. I have offered him the chance to meet her in feb when we holiday to where he lives. He said he'll think about it and get back to me. Hmmmph you'd think he'd jump at the chance. Secretly though I'd be disappointed on Ava's behalf if he says no, which I think he will, I'd also be relieved. I'm just so set in the way I raise her and am afraid what her reaction to him will be.. however by me doing this she can never think that I am the reason she doesn't have a relationship with him if he chooses not to.
So I guess we'll wait and see...

The lowdown

Mummy to Ava Caprice Tigerlily.
Est: 14th april 2007. 6.13 pm
Birthweight: 6lb 8.5oz
Length: 48cm